Comedian, writer & Filmmaker

The 36ers – 2nd February 2010

I’m here at Brett Maher Court, where the 36ers are looking at the biggest wooden spoon since the Trojan Horse’s wedding night. It’s amazin, they’ve survived the collapse of NBL, suffered through low crowds and have a fancy website, but forgotten how to put the bouncy thing in the hole.

So how do we fix this? Firstly, stop looking in American leagues for the imports. We’ve got plenty of imports right here in detention centres all across the country. And if we said to them “get more points than those guys and we’ll finally process your application” well, then you’d see some people playing with heart.

Next, bring the legendary Mark Davis out of retirement. I don’t know where he is, but when you visit your grandma in the nursing home, keep a look out. And if we can’t find him, who better to throw the ball to than Johnny Haysman? He’s massive, the city loves him and if you were running towards him and he said to you “give me the ball” you bloody would.

Maybe the 36ers board is already onto things, why else would Obama be planning to visit Australia in March? And if that doesn’t work out, we could get those Jackson Jive guys from Hey Hey as our starting lineup. If you’re going to be stupid enough to dress in blackface, you’d better be prepared to back it up.

There is no reason for Townsville and Wollongong to be ranked higher than Adelaide in anything. Ever. Except mullets per capita.

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