Comedian, writer & Filmmaker

Clueless Men Report – 10th February 2010

One of the best things about school camp was reading the girls’ Dolly Magazines in the back of the bus and taking the relationship tests, even though I’d never had a girlfriend. And now that I’m older and have a wonderful real life human girlfriend, relationship tests scare me to death.

The results of one has come out and it says what we’ve always known – men have no idea about their partners. 1 in 8 don’t know their partner’s eye colour, 10% have no idea when her birthday is and considering how much time we spend all day thinking about it, about a third of us don’t know our partner’s bra size.

Boys, it’s important to know these things about your lady. She is your princess. The vessel into which you pour your love. And how are you supposed to be able to exaggerate to your mates about her if you don’t know where to start?

So do what I do – go through your partner’s stuff. I go through my girlfriend’s handbag regularly. The first thing to look at is her drivers license – it’s got important details like her eye colour, her middle name and how much she’s let herself go since we first met.

And by going through her bag, I realised she smokes these individually wrapped, short, fat cigarettes with a string coming out of them. They must be hard to get too, because there’s all these texts on her phone to her supplier, Markos. She’s clearly addicted, cos the messages are all about how much she wants it now, and then he replies something about how hard it is at the moment, and then she says she’ll do anything and then they agree to meet somewhere.

Knowing this stuff is important – my girlfriend and I share a very special bond, and I’m very in tune with her feelings. For example, I know that if she’s been listening to this, she’s going to be feeling angry, so I want to say it’s all jokes, Lauren. Oh sorry – Kirsty.

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