Comedian, writer & Filmmaker

World Cup Bid – 28th January 2010

I’m here at Adelaide Oval, which is due to be renovated in part for Australia’s 2018 Soccer World Cup bid. But word has just started filtering in that FIFA is only letting European nations bid for it.

FIFA has done this before, giving us a qualifying route through Asia and then taking it away again. Now it’s all like “you can’t enter our competition Australia, mew mew mew.” I think someone needs to ask the question; FIFA, are you flirting with us? You do realise we’re not in year 8 anymore, don’t you?

If that’s the case, I say we pull a shifty on FIFA. We’ve got 8 years to make this place look as European as possible. Firstly, when the delegates come around, we’ll send them up North East Road to Cambelltown. That should buy us some time. The ETSA building does such a great job of disguising itself as a Christmas Tree or Panda countdown clock, we’ll dress it up like the Eiffel Tower, turn Officeworks into a souvenir shop and have a dude out the front take your photograph for 20 euro. Then, we’ll put Gondolas on the Torrens. Sure, they’ll be scraping the bottom, but we’ll just tell them that’s French music. Finally, we’ll all grow pencil moustaches and mince about all day with our shirts off. Or better yet, we’ll just get all the backpackers to… well… keep doin’ what they’re doin’.

And then in 2018 when the world comes to Adelaide… well they can do what they like, cos we’ll all be enjoying the cheap flights to France and the no lines at EuroDisney. Leave the key in the letterbox Europe, don’t forget to take 3 minute showers – you can google “shower” if you need to.

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