Comedian, writer & Filmmaker

Valentine's Day – 12th February 2010

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday and for 95% of the blokes who’ve left it till now, today is the day the panic sets in.

Now, it’s definitely too late to buy her something off eBay, too late to organise something extravagant and too late to save up for something expensive. So all that’s left is to think of something thoughtful, which is my favourite, cos it’s cheap. And God, didn’t I JUST buy her a Christmas present?

If you’re in this boat here are some options you can try. Take her back to he first place you met for a romantic liason. Don’t do this one if you’re 45 year old high school sweethearts.

Dinner and a movie does not mean fish and chips and a DVD at home. There’s a movie out called Valentines Day, the poster says “from the director of Pretty Woman comes a day in the life of love”, so stay away from that steaming pile. Inviticus should be good – it’s 2 hours of rugby, but you can tell her it’s got Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman in it and by the time she figures it out, too late!

And of course you can always write her a song. The easiest thing to do is get a song she’s never heard of, and make it about her. Death metal works quite well every time you hear “Satan”, say her name, which is something you’re probably used to doing anyway.

And if you’re thinking of breaking up with her, do it on Sunday. It might seems cruel now, but in years to come, when her new boyfriend does something incredibly romantic for Valentines Day, she’ll think of you. And cry.

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