Comedian, writer & Filmmaker

Category: Blog

Roadshow Diary Day 12…

Currently in: Karratha

On a Whim and a prayer

So halfway between Pt Hedland and Karratha is a pub in the middle of nowhere.  And it has a model of it by the side of the road in case you can’t see it.

Ladies and gentlement, a model of the Whim Creek Pub: 

It was a nice place, full of history and talking cockatoos and flies, but the best bits were the signs.  Like this one:

That’s right, this sign has dog poop drawn on it.  STEAMING dog poop. 

According to the Whim Creek pub, there are 3 types of people in this world: 

Blokes like to lie down with a hat and rest cans on their stomach… 

Shielas enjoy lying down with their hair on fire and misappropriation of apostrophes…

And then there are Wheelies.  Fun loving, upright and now with an unstable amount of jet propulsion. 

Karratha Airport

There is an old saying.  Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish and you’ll feed him for life.  Put a picture of a hot woman in a bikini thumbing a fish down the throat on the cover of a fishing magazine and he’ll most likely teach himself. 

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Roadshow Diary Day 11…

Currently in: Port Hedland

The Squeaky Wheel

So the venue manager here apparently googled all the performers before we got here, saw this blog (and the pic of the half packet of biscuits from day 1) and that’s why we got the huge platters of food last night.  He said he wanted to have the best rider of the tour.  A little bit of competition is a healthy thing.  Isn’t it, Esperance???  You gonna let Michael talk smack about you like that???  Huh???

And I also forgot to mention the flowers. Delightful, but were hard to chew.

Rear Window

So this morning I took a look out of the window in my room, something I’d forgotten to do the day before.  There was a bright blue sky, beautiful Australian scrubland, hills in the background, and… wait… what’s that?: 

My hotel room back’s onto a cemetery.

I hope they aren’t all the people who died in my room.

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Roadshow Diary Day 10…

Currently in: Port Hedland

So Port Hedland is a long way from home.  It’s town build around iron and salt (natural enemies, if I’m not mistaken) with beautiful seas full of turtles (yay), blue ringed octopuses (oh) and sharks (crap), I like to look around new places.  Here’s what I found:

Accomodation

In the window of the only cafe in town.  Just next to an ad for doctors and nurses theme night.  I’m sure in a mining town, there’ll be a few more doctors than nurses…

 

My favourite thing about our accommodation was waiting for me as I opened the door:

Ooh la la, that’s noice…

Backstage Rider

The Matt Dann Cultural Centre gave us our first ever backstage rider.  We were all impressed, except DeAnne, who’s aversion to gluten meant that she could only eat the olives. 

But she was impressed with the centerpiece of it all:

She stole it.

I think I might have enjoyed it a bit too much.  Colin asked me if the chocolate biscuits were nice in a tone that inferred I was an export.  Fair cop, they were delicious. 

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Roadshow Diary Day 7…

Currently in: Geraldton

I went to a museum today with DeAnne and Glen.  I haven’t been to a museum in years, a fact which I kept from my colleagues as they seemed to be pros.  Here was my favourite bit:

Diorama Competition

There was a room with heaps of models of buildings in the towns, done by school kids.  It was awesome.  I remembered how much I used to love this as a kid, and how much I miss it.

 

Sometimes when I made these, you had to MacGyver stuff from around the house:

 

Good to see nothing’s changed.

This was a good one too.  See how they’ve made play doh horses:

 

Here’s a close up:

 

But what the hell is this thing?

Ah, hello is that Satan?  Is your dog missing? 

Arts and crafts are my favourite. 

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Roadshow Diary Day 6…

Currently in: Geraldton

So the Bunbury gigs were nice and fun, and the most surprising thing to happen in my humble opinion was back at the hotel room.  And it involved underwear.

What Would Jesus Wear?

 So in every hotel room, there’s a Gideon’s Bible.  Gordon Southern has a great bit where he encourages people to sign the Bible “Al the best, God X” and it’s something I like to do where I can, cos one day he’ll check into a hotel and find one and it’ll blow his mind.  But in Bunbury, instead of a Bible, I saw a folded up bit of silk.  Curious as to whether or not this was the silken shroud of Turin, I took it out and unfolded it.  And discovered this: 

Now I have no idea what they were doing there.  They were clean (but is anything found in a motel ever really clean?).  But I’m intrigued as to why they were there.  Who left them there?  Did they leave them there for me?  If not, why did they fit so well?

And as if that wasn’t disturbing enough, underneath I found the Bible.  Which I’ve sacrilegiously placed on top of the mysterious tighty whiteys for a size comparison:

See you in Hell.

The Ben Cousins Roadhouse

On the trip from Bunbury to Perth, I saw this: 

At long last, purified ice.  Not like that watered down stuff. 

Sex Sells

There is a coffee chain in WA called Dome, which I always read as “Do Me”.  Intentional marketing strategy or some sort of inkblot test that I keep failing.  You be the judge:

 

We’re now in Geraldton and have a show tomorrow night.  I should have done a podcast by now, but haven’t.  Tomorrow?  If today was anything to go by, I’ll watch Big Stan and The Tale of Desperaux on the in-house movie channel and wonder where the day went.

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Roadshow Diary Day 4…

Currently in:  Bunbury

Late Night Food

Last night’s show went well, and afterwards we went to the local kebab vendor and shouted a few rounds of chips.  Here was my shout:

It’s called the Heart Attack, and it’s chips, cheese and gravy.  And yes, it’s as delectable as it sounds, and is particularly useful to get the taste of cheap beer out of your soul.  I will probably have another one tonight.

Early Morning Food

The motel we’re in is the oldest so far.  Nothing wrong with that, but there are no bowls, so here is how I had breakfast this morning. 

I felt like a giant.  And seeing as it’s been in every blog entry so far, please observe the 3rd type of milk packaging WA has to offer.

Also, a dude came into my room yesterday enquiring as to the whereabouts of his bag.  I told him to check at reception.  I forgot to ask him how he had a key to my room.  I slept in fear.

And I’ve started to call Stuart Stu to his face.  So far so good… 

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Roadshow Diary Day 2…

Currently in: Margaret River

Margaret River is a lovely place, it has a ski town atmosphere.  The gig was okay, but possibly the highlight was backstage.

Backstage Rider

Here was our rider – a few half eaten packets of biscuits.

 

The shortbread ones were pretty good, but now I can see through time.

And not that I’m obsessed with milk everywhere I go, but check this out:

It comes in an udder!  And the handle is just an inflated air pocket.  Genius!  Bravo regional WA, you are da bomb.

 Decor

When we said we wanted some of the dirtier fans to be allowed backstage, this isn’t what we meant: 

And when we asked for something to help us hear the show better from the green room, I think they may have misunderstood: 

Yes, it’s exactly what it looks like – an earbud stick to the wall.  I’m not sure what was used as the adhesive, but it didn’t taste like blutak…

Inspiration

I do like it when green rooms have something on the wall you can read to get you all pumped up to give a great performance.  But I don’t like it when it’s written in plop:

Reaction

Here’s how Tommy chose to deal with it all:

Evermore

So apparently Evermore were also playing Margaret River on the same night, so after our gig we went to theirs.  We missed the Sundance Kids and Eskimo Joe which was a shame.  They played about 8 meters from where we’d had a meal a few hours earlier.  It was weird to see a band with such great success  playing in the corner of a pub to a couple of hundred people.  It would have also been annoying for Maragret Riverians to have 2 big shows on the same night.  But more annoying for Evermore, cos we pretty much sold out.  Here is Evermore:

I know what you’re thinking: “That photo’s blurry and crap, you can’t even tell who it is.”  Point taken, here’s a closeup: 

So now let there be no doubt.

P.S. The camera on my phone is pretty average.

P.P.S.  No, I didn’t actually lick an earbud I found stuck to a wall.

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Roadshow Diary Day 1…

So this is the first tour I’ve been on, and I though it might be interesting to write a few words about it while I’m here.

Currently in: Perth 

It’s the WA leg of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Roadshow.  On this trip are comedians Colin Lane, Tommy Dean, DeAnne Smith and Glen Wool (if you don’t believe me, suck on this:)

 

As well as our tour manager Gideon and stage manager Stu.  I’m not sure if I’m allowed to call him Stu yet.  His name is Stuart.  You already figured that out?  When did you get so clever?

Anyhoo, here are my first impressions of Perth.

Dogs

Oh my god, this is the first thing I saw when I got off the plane:

 

In Perth, dogs ride escalators.  Perth is Ace. 

Tiny Milk

I bought some cereal cos the folder in my hotel room said we have complimentary milk.  When I came back and looked in the fridge, this is what I found:

 

When the spout of the milk carton is bigger than the other bit, that milk isn’t complimentary, it’s insulting.

(Turns out, it was more than enough)

Mortal Angels

We were having a beer and kept seeing heaps of people in black walking around we didn’t know what they were doing.  Were they goths, emos or ninjas?  Considering there was a 1 in 3 they were ninjas, Glen, Stu and I went to investigate.  There was a hardcore band playing down the street, so we though we’d check it out.  As we walked closer, everyone was fully decked out in black and looking huge and angry.  Glen had a beanie and big black overcoat and Stu was dressed similarly.  Here is what I was wearing:

 

The band was called Mortal Angels and tickets cost $70 bucks.  When Glen said he didn’t want to pay that, my testicles went back into place.  Good thing too, they were starting to hurt my lungs.

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Nate & Chong's Internetshow!

 

Live Tuesday Nights 6 – 7pm

www.kgandthegeneral.com.au

You might remember Nate from BB08 but my fondest memory of him our first day in Year 1 together when he ran away from school.

And after more than 20 years, we’re finally getting some work done.  We’re doing an internet show together – it’s not quite TV and it’s not quite radio but it is quite live.

We’re not quite sure exactly what it’ll be, but it’ll have interviews with musicians, comedians and other famous and interesting people, music, games, competitions, chit chat, reviews and heaps of other stuff.  And it’ll be the most interactive thing you’ve ever seen – you’ll be able to chat with us live in the chatroom, call up, skype us, even be in the audience, which means you’re in charge of what the show ends up being.

Our first show is Tuesday May 12th, and while I’m not too sure where you can see it, most likely it’ll be shown right after KG and the General, which you can find at www.kgandthegeneral.com.au 

So tune in from 6-7pm Tuesdays and count the things that go wrong! 

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