Comedian, writer & Filmmaker

Category: <span>Blog</span>

Valentine's Day – 12th February 2010

Well, it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday and for 95% of the blokes who’ve left it till now, today is the day the panic sets in.

Now, it’s definitely too late to buy her something off eBay, too late to organise something extravagant and too late to save up for something expensive. So all that’s left is to think of something thoughtful, which is my favourite, cos it’s cheap. And God, didn’t I JUST buy her a Christmas present?

If you’re in this boat here are some options you can try. Take her back to he first place you met for a romantic liason. Don’t do this one if you’re 45 year old high school sweethearts.

Dinner and a movie does not mean fish and chips and a DVD at home. There’s a movie out called Valentines Day, the poster says “from the director of Pretty Woman comes a day in the life of love”, so stay away from that steaming pile. Inviticus should be good – it’s 2 hours of rugby, but you can tell her it’s got Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman in it and by the time she figures it out, too late!

And of course you can always write her a song. The easiest thing to do is get a song she’s never heard of, and make it about her. Death metal works quite well every time you hear “Satan”, say her name, which is something you’re probably used to doing anyway.

And if you’re thinking of breaking up with her, do it on Sunday. It might seems cruel now, but in years to come, when her new boyfriend does something incredibly romantic for Valentines Day, she’ll think of you. And cry. Read More

Australia's Got Talent Auditions – 11th February 2010

The line for the Australia’s Got Talent auditions goes back so far, I think it ends in 1984.

There are singers and dancers, but the ones I love the most are the crazies, the people who have managed to go their whole life without anyone telling them they’re useless. You know who I’m talking about; unco dancers, tone deaf singers, Danni Minogue…

That’s unfair, good on them for having the guts to declare to the world “I’m going to be a superstar!” I have something to declare too – I’m going to enjoy watching you cry on the TV.

Let’s not forget the brilliant acts too – the ones that come out of nowhere and surprise you, make you hold your breath and fall in love. I look forward to months and months of people emailing their youtube clips to me. Over and over again. Makes a nice change from all those emails from my Russian Brides.

There’s no doubt Adelaide’s Got Talent, but the real question is: does Adelaide Got Umbrellas? It looks like it’s going to bucket down any minute now, and registrations don’t open for another 2 hours. And if the heavens open, it may mean all the performers are a little less dynamic, it does mean the Adelaide episode will look like and ad for the RSPCA shelter.

Not surprisingly, everyone wants to be the next Susan Boyle, who last I heard, spends her days singing into mops at airports. And if you’ve seen the photos, I think Susan’s the one on the left. Read More

Clueless Men Report – 10th February 2010

One of the best things about school camp was reading the girls’ Dolly Magazines in the back of the bus and taking the relationship tests, even though I’d never had a girlfriend. And now that I’m older and have a wonderful real life human girlfriend, relationship tests scare me to death.

The results of one has come out and it says what we’ve always known – men have no idea about their partners. 1 in 8 don’t know their partner’s eye colour, 10% have no idea when her birthday is and considering how much time we spend all day thinking about it, about a third of us don’t know our partner’s bra size.

Boys, it’s important to know these things about your lady. She is your princess. The vessel into which you pour your love. And how are you supposed to be able to exaggerate to your mates about her if you don’t know where to start?

So do what I do – go through your partner’s stuff. I go through my girlfriend’s handbag regularly. The first thing to look at is her drivers license – it’s got important details like her eye colour, her middle name and how much she’s let herself go since we first met.

And by going through her bag, I realised she smokes these individually wrapped, short, fat cigarettes with a string coming out of them. They must be hard to get too, because there’s all these texts on her phone to her supplier, Markos. She’s clearly addicted, cos the messages are all about how much she wants it now, and then he replies something about how hard it is at the moment, and then she says she’ll do anything and then they agree to meet somewhere.

Knowing this stuff is important – my girlfriend and I share a very special bond, and I’m very in tune with her feelings. For example, I know that if she’s been listening to this, she’s going to be feeling angry, so I want to say it’s all jokes, Lauren. Oh sorry – Kirsty. Read More

Rock Eisteddfod Cancelled – 9 February 2010

I’m here at Brighton Secondary School, the South Australian home of the Rock Eisteddfod, and it’s just been announced that it’s been CANCELLED for the first time in 30 years because it can’t find a sponsor.

Would somebody please think of the children? Who is going to teach them about healthy living, anti-smoking and how much fun it can be watching a teacher have a breakdown trying to organise 150 kids?

And what about the amazing job the Rock Eisteddfod did promoting the recycling of old junk? Ice cream containers, hundreds of meters of alfoil and John Farnham’s You’re The Voice?

Much of the blame should be aimed squarely at Napoleon Dynamite. He’s did so much damage to the idea of dancing at school that not even the cast from Glee has a chance to make it appealing again.

To any potential sponsors out there, do the right thing and give these kids a go. Some industries have been kept alive by the Rock Eisteddfod – I’m talking to you, glitter industry of Australia, and your mate, the Australian silver bodypaint council.

The Rock Eisteddfod is a right of passage for many young dancers and singers, but the greatest impact it has is on the next generation of young men. Now where will young, awkward, pimpley faced boys be able to perve on the hot girls in their class? That was what Rock Eisteddfod was all about. Don’t ask me how I know that, just know that it’s true.  I learnt everything I know about perving on chicks at the Rock Eisteddfod.  And that’s something I shouldn’t be yelling outside a school. Read More

Port Merger – 8th February 2010

I’m going through the bins behind Alberton, to find the inside word on the Port Adelaide merger. As it stands, the Magpies in the SANFL and the Power in the AFL want to merge to help each other out, which seems to me to be like getting a little dog with no front legs and a big dog with no back legs and tying them together. Sure, you’ve got a pretty impressive 2 headed dog, but it’s still going to have trouble running a footy club.

Last week at AAMI stadium, a representative from each of the other 8 SANFL clubs got together, breaking the Power’s previous attendance record, and it looks like they might block the merger.

And as much as it hurts my soul to say this, we can’t let either Port die. Life’s not as fun without the things we love to hate. Star Wars needs Darth Vader. Australia needs Victorians. A wedding needs a groom. Although not necessarily anymore – and more Power to the sisters.

In fact Power to the sisters is a great idea. The other SANFL clubs should let the merger happen, but impose some restrictions. Firstly, both clubs should be re-named Port Flower. Change their uniforms to the snuggie and make it a rule that before they can kick a goal, every Port player has to tongue kiss a team mate.

But imagine a a world without the Maggies and the Power. It might sound nice, but if they’re not following Port, there’s a chance they might start following YOUR team, and that’s a future nobody wants. Read More

The 36ers – 2nd February 2010

I’m here at Brett Maher Court, where the 36ers are looking at the biggest wooden spoon since the Trojan Horse’s wedding night. It’s amazin, they’ve survived the collapse of NBL, suffered through low crowds and have a fancy website, but forgotten how to put the bouncy thing in the hole.

So how do we fix this? Firstly, stop looking in American leagues for the imports. We’ve got plenty of imports right here in detention centres all across the country. And if we said to them “get more points than those guys and we’ll finally process your application” well, then you’d see some people playing with heart.

Next, bring the legendary Mark Davis out of retirement. I don’t know where he is, but when you visit your grandma in the nursing home, keep a look out. And if we can’t find him, who better to throw the ball to than Johnny Haysman? He’s massive, the city loves him and if you were running towards him and he said to you “give me the ball” you bloody would.

Maybe the 36ers board is already onto things, why else would Obama be planning to visit Australia in March? And if that doesn’t work out, we could get those Jackson Jive guys from Hey Hey as our starting lineup. If you’re going to be stupid enough to dress in blackface, you’d better be prepared to back it up.

There is no reason for Townsville and Wollongong to be ranked higher than Adelaide in anything. Ever. Except mullets per capita. Read More

iPad – 28th January 2010

Attention anyone who just bought an iPhone. Just when you thought you were on the bleeding edge of technology, pppttthhhtttt. Apple has superseded your cool with something called the iPad.

If a laptop, and iPhone and a picture frame had a 3 way and had a baby, this would be it. Some of the major new features are the fact that it has a 10 hour battery and you can read books on it, which is amazing news until you realise that actual books are smaller and never run out of battery.

You might say “but what if I want to read 3 different books at once?” and to you I say “when was the last time you actually read one book? Especially one that didn’t have tabs to pull to make the cow jump over the moon?”

Regardless, Apple will still sell millions of these things because it appeals to the basest of all human desires – checking facebook on the toilet. Which uncovers some new dangers. While you’re reading self help books on the toilet for 10 hours at a time, where will the rest of your household poop?

Perhaps rugby players aren’t filthy animals after all, maybe they’re tech savvy word nerds. Well, there’s about as much chance of that as there is of me not going straight out and buying one. I’m going to need bigger pockets. Read More

Big Day Out – 28th January 2010

Tomorrow is BDO time! BDO of course stands for Big Day Off, and is the biggest mobilisation of young Australians since Corey Worthington’s Myspace party. And you know that’s a long time ago, cos I used the word Myspace.

Of course there are bands and DJ’s, but amazingly, the most talked about feature of Adelaide Big Day Outs is missing. There’s no 40 degree day. It’s going to be 31. 31? If we wanted to go to a place with no chance of heatstroke, we’d go see Cats, at the Festival Theatre, in air conditioning, at night. I want to be able to go where I can put on a sombrero and not look out of place. I know that I could do that in Mexico, but I want somewhere that won’t give my swine flu. I want to be grateful when I pay $4 for a water when I could have paid $3 for a beer. I want to be able to write Lily on one arm and Allen on the other arm and then sit half in the shade and have to explain to people for the next fortnight why I have Allen suntanned on me.

And if you can’t provide me with that, Big Day Out, at least have the respect for tradition to provide deep heat, ski gear and a steam tent for the Adelaide Hardcore Massive. Not me though, I forgot to buy a ticket. Read More

World Cup Bid – 28th January 2010

I’m here at Adelaide Oval, which is due to be renovated in part for Australia’s 2018 Soccer World Cup bid. But word has just started filtering in that FIFA is only letting European nations bid for it.

FIFA has done this before, giving us a qualifying route through Asia and then taking it away again. Now it’s all like “you can’t enter our competition Australia, mew mew mew.” I think someone needs to ask the question; FIFA, are you flirting with us? You do realise we’re not in year 8 anymore, don’t you?

If that’s the case, I say we pull a shifty on FIFA. We’ve got 8 years to make this place look as European as possible. Firstly, when the delegates come around, we’ll send them up North East Road to Cambelltown. That should buy us some time. The ETSA building does such a great job of disguising itself as a Christmas Tree or Panda countdown clock, we’ll dress it up like the Eiffel Tower, turn Officeworks into a souvenir shop and have a dude out the front take your photograph for 20 euro. Then, we’ll put Gondolas on the Torrens. Sure, they’ll be scraping the bottom, but we’ll just tell them that’s French music. Finally, we’ll all grow pencil moustaches and mince about all day with our shirts off. Or better yet, we’ll just get all the backpackers to… well… keep doin’ what they’re doin’.

And then in 2018 when the world comes to Adelaide… well they can do what they like, cos we’ll all be enjoying the cheap flights to France and the no lines at EuroDisney. Leave the key in the letterbox Europe, don’t forget to take 3 minute showers – you can google “shower” if you need to. Read More

Broken News – An Introduction

So I’ve been doing some little spots for SAFM here in Adelaide which require me to get up when it’s still dark and trawl the papers for something to talk about.  Then, at 8:30AM it is discussed, and if the equipment works and I get to the end of what I wrote, at 8:32AM it’s all over.  So I figured I’d put them up here, where the real audience numbers are…

They’ll date quickly, and remember, I write them at 6 in the morning, but enjoy your wander through the back catalogue…

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