Comedian, writer & Filmmaker

Grandparent's Make Kids Fat – 17th February 2010

It turns out that one of the reasons our children are in an obesity epidemic is because grandparents are over feeding them. So I’m outside my grandmas old house at Hargraeves Rd in Middleton, trying to scam a slice of cake for breakfast.

The study says that grandparents spoil their grandkids with sweets and then are too old to run around with them, which is helping make the kids chubby.

When did this happen? I had a supergran and I never liked visiting her because when we used to go around, the only food on offer was wholemeal toast and after breakfast she’d make me carry around her golf clubs as she played a cheeky 18 holes before a salad lunch. I never realised I could be fleecing the old bat for biscuits.

And even so, I still turned out a nugget. Probably because I had other grandparents who would spoil me rotten. On one side we had nan and pop and on the other side nandos and pop-tarts.

It’s scientific: as we grow up, grandmas shrink, so it gets harder and harder for them to put the biscuit tin our of reach. But that’s just a lack of discipline. I know old people can climb things – I’ve seen heaps of them dancing on tables on Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show.

When I’m grandpa and my grandkids come over, I’m going to tape a chocolate bar to the back of a remote control car, and the little fatties can chase it around the back yard for a while. Actually, when I’m a grandpa, I’ll probably be a bit evil and senile, so I’ll tell them it’s a chocolate bar, but it’ll really be a dog poo. Take that, you chunky monkey!

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